Spain: How not to Hike (Travel Tips)

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When I was about 5 years old, I wanted to be an adventurer. Twenty years later, I stumbled upon some old kids books that I used to read and occasionally scribble in. One was about a donkey living in Spain, and, clearly, five-year-old Bri thought that was the best shit ever.

I braced myself to read further. I wondered if I’d now managed to achieve some of the things I used to dream about depicted in the books. Maybe I’d even been to some of the places in real life, or had the kind of adventures that I aspired to.

Upon reflection, I realise that I had no fucking clue what being an ‘adventurer’ meant.

In this book I had scribbled across the pictures of the mountains where the donkey, Morro, would hang out using multi-coloured scented gel pens (remember those?!). I’d managed to identify that the mountains were probably hot, so I’d written a note to ‘water’. Nothing about bringing it or storing it, or how much – just ‘water’.

I’d also managed to identify that mountains were probably big. Bigger than me at least. I’d drawn me next to one of them, some 1/10th of the size (lets not even unpack how wrong that scale is). In my self-portrait I had one much longer and more wibbly leg than the other, so I can only assume this was a warning not to go climbing with unstable footwear.

I was also wearing a tutu.

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Stable footwear, neither leg wibbly.

Fighting uneasiness, I bravely continued to the end of the book. Right after the happy ending – where Morro rescues some kids from the top of the mountain – I’d written some further notes for myself. These seemed to be directly addressed to me in the future, as if I fully intended on finding these mountains and doing a better job than those other idiot kids who were fucking around at the summit and needed to be rescued.

My notes go as follows:

  • Water [I felt the need to write this again]
  • How hot? [a little more specific than last time, at least]
  • Trall trawl trayal trayel tril trail left of the big rock [fucking got there in the end]
  • Tell Sooty at the top [Sooty was my cat at the time]
  • Leave tutu at the bottom

These notes made me feel a lot of weird things, but I suppose at least I didn’t find out I was some sort of psychotic kid: simply one who liked mountains and donkeys, and later on in some other books a bunch of cool mice that hung out in a forest. And this magical rainbow fish in a tropical sea. In hindsight, there was a clear theme throughout my childhood.

Anyway, I did actually go on some mountain adventures in Spain. I did a lot of hiking and kayaking, as well as drinking a lot of gin. So, I figured for all you fellow adventurers I’d add twenty years of wisdom to my original case notes – not that they need improving, but you know – it’s nice to perfect things sometimes.

  • [original note] Water

Yep. That’s still a thing you’re going to need. Yep, you’re going to need a lot of it whether you’re hiking or kayaking. More water equals more adventure.

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“Look at all this water.”
  • [original note] How hot?

Fucking hot. On one of the days in the mountains I made the mistake of hiking to the top of the Zahara (citadel in the mountains) in 45 degree heat, because as my original note suggests, I still didn’t know how hot it would be. Never has the saying ‘only mad dogs and Englishmen go out in the midday sun’ been more true. It definitely was worth it worth it, though.

  • [original note] trail to the left of the big rock

There are many trails on many mountains, and many to the left of big rocks. Fortunately for five-year-old Bri, older Bri has a degree in geography and much better situational awareness.

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  • [original note] tell Sooty at the top

Sooty is dead, mate. Also how were you ever planning on telling your cat back in England while you were on the summit of a Spanish mountain? Either way, she was never going to know of your Spanish mountain prowess.

  • [original note] leave tutu at the bottom

This is honestly one of the smartest things that five-year-old Bri has ever written. I’m happy to confirm that you should not under any circumstances hike or kayak in the southern Spanish mountains wearing a tutu. They are cumbersome and hot, and those are two things that you could do without in an environment that is hotter than the surface of the sun. Good job.

 

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After I returned from Spain and later found this book I couldn’t help but think of all of the other things that I learnt twenty years later. So, in keeping with the tradition of trying to help my future self, and other fellow adventurers, here are some of my newly tried and tested tips on both surviving and enjoying the Spanish mountains.

  • Don’t hire a smart car as your mode of transport around the mountains. Sure, its the cheapest option, and it seems absolutely fucking hilarious when your friend can’t even fit his head in it. But, trust me, your equipment is more important.
  • Don’t have a hangover and hike. Yeah, I know, usually this is fine and the exercise makes you feel better. But trust me, in 45 degree heat while you’re already dehydrated this is a really stupid idea, and you’re going to make really stupid mistakes. Save your idiocy for a colder, safer hike.

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  • There’s going to be a lot of haze and dust in the summer, and often this can appear to be cloud cover: it is not, and you are still going to get sunburnt. You’re also going to get sunburnt when there is no dust. You’re also going to get sunburnt when you think you’re in the shade. The Spanish mountains are going to teach you a lot about sunburn and the simple solution is to take sunscreen with you wherever you go, no matter how much you don’t want to hike with extra weight.
  • You’re going to want to give yourself as much opportunity to watch the sunsets over the mountains as possible. Trust me, they are unlike anywhere else on earth.

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  • If you go kayaking on a lake that has a petrified forest half submerged in the water, the trees are going to be covered with spiders. There were probably some other insects on it too, but honestly as soon as I touched a branch and 95% of the country’s spider population fell onto my arm I did not stick around to find out what the other bugs were.
  • Don’t kayak with a lot of spiders in your craft.

Spain, I’m glad I finally got to visit your mountains, even if it wasn’t the first time I’ve gotten to see your beautiful country. I think five-year-old me would be satisfied. 10/10 would recommend – and if you do go on an adventure there be sure to let me know, and I will come along for the sunburn. 

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